Sunday, July 31, 2011

Almost a year

And I fear typing this - will I jinx our spree of normalcy? Heh - what IS that anyway.

Almost a year has passed and wow - here we are. Ava has been quite stable for almost a year now. We have done little to her meds outside a tweak of mgs here and there. Intuniv was her life changer a year ago and now that we're at 4mgs - the highest dose - I do hope it continues to keep her symptoms at bay. We have noticed more than anything in the last year that the importance of TIME, right down to the minute, of WHEN her meds are taken is THE MOST important thing. Meds taken EXACTLY on time, day after day after day, proves the best possible outcome for her. We have an alarm clock next to her meds in our kitchen cabinet to insure this.

I've been battling my own depression as it's been almost a year that my mom suddenly passed away. As I read my previous posts, I'm amazed at my strength and see so little of that in myself anymore. I wake up each morning, fighting, to stay a part of this world. Interestingly enough, I'm now seeing Ava's psychatirist - she's an amazing doctor. I have hopes we'll find the right cocktail for me as well.

Faith, my friends, faith. I'm not a religious person by any sort of the definition but I believe in faith and the thought that all things happen for a reason, one well beyond our control. Hold onto hope that your child will triumph over this disease and that you will too.


  1. I have been searching for help with my daughter. My daughter has bipolar disorder and had all this rage that you described in the previous blog. The only difference is that my daughter doesn't ever feel bad about the things she does or how she treats me. She will not take her meds and I am at my wits end with her not even sure what the next step should be shes 16 and every day i cant wait for her to be 18 and move out. I total feel the same way when you talked about shaking her or making her feel the exact same way that she made you feel, but as good parents we continue to try to help our children. I need help

    1. Hello my name is Lucille my daughter has bipolar Mood disorder she is 15 years old and I totally feel for you I cried and cried when I read the originators story bless her for having this blog for us, but anyways back to you my daughter takes her meds but she is still physically and mentally abusing me I am a single parent and her father can careless what happens to us. I am afraid I will hurt her or I will end up in the hospital because of her abuse or me having a nervous breakdown I could go on and on about what she does but I have a feeling you and I both know what they do to us. My daughter is a client of the regional center and they are currently looking for a group home for her I cant even go to work because of my daughter knowone wants to watch her and Im going broke meanwhile. Her father left 2 years ago and this is when my daughter freaked out and is now torturing me. 2 years is enough everyone family and friends abandoned me because they do not want to be around my daughter. it's time a group home diciplines my daughter and sets her straight because im gettng abused and mentally ill and feel like a total prisoner in my home and outside my home. please I hope this helps and of course I will pray for you and your daughter I totally understand. Take Care and God Bless

  2. My daughter is almost 21 and when she is on her meds, life is ok. But she is off her meds again and I can't get her to understand that she must take them. After reading your earlier posts, I can at least take some comfort that there are other parents out there who have to live with what I live with. Yes, I often catch myself thinking how much I hate her and then feel guilty about being a horrible parent. I have another daughter who is 25 and will have nothing to do with her sister. My family is a disaster because they refuse to be together. I am always fearful of what the bipolar daughter will say or do. I just de-friended her on Facebook because I was so tired and embarrassed by her publicly calling me a cunt. Thank you for listening - I guess I just needed to share with someone who might understand

  3. Thank you for sharing your story. I have a son who suffers from bipolar and I understand the struggle you are going through. I wanted to share a helpful website that I found when my son was diagnosed bipolar: This website offers information about bipolar in children.

  4. Hey there - just stumbled onto your blog - after a manic episode in our house by our 12 y/o bipolar child.
    I am hoping you will get this - although I see you haven't posted in quite some time...

    I haven't read any of your blog except the one that came up in a google search I did for "i hate our bipolar child". It was a post from 2010 - "F@#$%ing Horrible" i believe was the title.

    It read like an excerpt from my diary (if I had one). I appreciated your honesty and blunt language.

    Many times I feel totally alone in our struggles and how hard EVERY SINGLE DAY is - from the moment she awakes until the moment she finally passes out.

    If you get this - I hope to hear from you to see how you are doing - I pray that things have gotten better for you.

    Just wanted to reach out to say - you helped me today - just knowing I wasn't alone in feeling like such a failure and horrible person let alone parent for feeling - true hate and anger towards our child.

    Thank you.

  5. I read your blog and I have a 15 year old child I know exactly what you mean about from the time your child awakes until they pass out asleep I even treasure the moments when she's taking a shower i have an hour to breath.. I cant even go to the market I literally start crying in the supermarket out of daughter is on meds but she still physically and mentally abuses me. I had quit work because knowone wants to watch her or be around her. All my friends no longer come around we receive No visitors unless its the neighbors complaining of all the screaming im doing because of the abuse..the police do nothing absolutly nothing she's calm by then and she is terrified of police but they do nothing. I am a single parent and my daughters father wants nothing todo with his daughter I am part of whats called the regional center (im located in California) they help with resources and they are currently looking for a group home I am either going to have a nervous breakdown or admit myself in the hospital one day because of her verbal abuse towards me...she calls me every name in the book and starts to push me around and hits with all her strength mind you she's 15 and very strong. I am literally scared of her the crazy thing is she's good in school and the teachers love her... I know where you are coming from and I feel for you please keep in contact and let me know how your daughter is the way my daughter's name is Amy and mine is Lucille...

  6. just found your blog - found your 'fucking horrible' post first. my daughter is 20. my son was started on meds at age 9 and by 10 was on atypical antipsychotics and labeled atypical bipolar. my daughter has been hospitalized twice for being suicidal, but the first 2 meds they tried made her manic, and the last (a mood stabalizer) gave her fibromyalgia. She was in the hospital last weekend and released with no support. She hates me and blames me for all her problems and pushes me away while saying i dont try and wont accept any responsibility for her problems. I wish wish wish i could get her on the atypicals which were a miracle for her brother and keep my sister out of the hospital, but instead she spends all of her time screwing up and blaming me.

    so glad your story is getting better. So hope my daughter's will some day

  7. I'm in Naperville, Illinois. Is there anyway to message you? Do you know of any support groups. I read you like I'm reading myself. Thank you.

  8. For anyone dealing with mental health problems you should really visit, it's a mother's experience with her two daughters (one diagnosed with shizoaffective disorder and bipolar and the other with ultradian cycling bipolar) and their journey to recovering.

  9. maggie.danhakl@healthline.comMay 23, 2014 at 11:05 PM


    Healthline just launched a video campaign for bipolar disorder called "You've Got This" where bipolar patients can record a short video to give hope and inspiration to those recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

    You can visit the homepage and check out videos from the campaign here:

    We will be donating $10 for every submitted campaign to To Write Love On Her Arms, so the more exposure the campaign gets the more the videos we'll receive and the more Healthline can donate to research, support, and treatment programs for mental health disorders.

    We would appreciate if you could help spread the word about this by sharing the You've Got This with friends and followers or include the campaign as a resource on your page:

    Please let me know if this is possible and if you have any questions. And, if you know anyone that would be interested in submitting a video, please encourage them to do so.

    Maggie Danhakl • Assistant Marketing Manager
    p: 415-281-3124 f: 415-281-3199

    Healthline • The Power of Intelligent Health
    660 Third Street, San Francisco, CA 94107 | @Healthline | @HealthlineCorp

    About Us:


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