Saturday, June 12, 2010

Thank you

It's been months since I posted. And actually many weeks since I've even checked into the site.

But I am in tears. I have read feedback to my post "Fucking Horrible" and am swept away by your comments. Thank you so very much for your words. I began this blog in hopes of other parents of bipolar children finding me - finding us, a family deeply affected by this disorder - in our constant torrential storm of early onset bipolar, who could find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone. It goes without saying that I wish this disorder on no one, but to know that there are others out there, who 'get' what it's like to have a child with bipolar - can sometimes bring you back from the line that crosses you into deep, deep darkness.

Ironically enough, shortly after writing this post, I recounted Ava's rage to an amazing therapist my husband and I see for couples therapy. I told her that very soon after Ava's rage, I retreated to my blog and poured out my emotions. I told her point blank what I had written. She looked at me in complete shock. I knew, no matter how much I respected this woman, no matter her experience as a therapist, no matter her experiences as a mother with a troubled son with ADHD, she would never, ever understand. I hold strong in my beliefs, my opinions, my morals, my insight and in myself as a human being. I KNOW despite what others show or say or do in the presence of others - there is just no way that you don't hate your child during those off the chart rages. Granted, there are days when I can brush it off, I can go to her calmly and hold her, talk softly to her, assure her it will pass, allow her to feel my chest rise and fall slowly and persuade her to breathe deeply with me. But there are those times when I break - and I scream with her, I cry with her, I slam doors with her, and I hate with her. I am only human.

One of you said that you had googled ill feelings toward your bipolar child. Would you believe me if I said I'd done the same so many times?! Pardon my sick sense of humor but OMG! I wish we could all find one another and have a hay day! What a support system we would have. Makes you wonder how many of us are out there, struggling, holding on by the tips of our fingernails.

Ava has not raged quite like that since they day I wrote that post. Perhaps she has been close but I've somehow been in a place where I was able to handle it better? I take her rages anymore with a grain of salt, though it worries me as I wonder how much I need to disconnect from her in order to save myself? That thought, in itself, brings on more horrendous feelings of guilt and concern. I just never know where the line is - I never know who to be or what to do - it's an endless battle and at the end of the day, I realize - I'm fighting to keep all of us in this family 'ok' knowing that it's never a battle I'll win. Me vs. BP = loss, always.

I have heard recently talk of a differential diagnosis for children like my baby. It's one that says that these rages will manifest into depression as she matures and the rages will slowly disappear. I hope for this and often think perhaps we're seeing this the last couple of months but feel even now as though I may jinx us all by typing those words. It sounds horrible, doesn't it? To wish depression upon your own child? But when you think of only one side of this disorder as opposed to both sides - I'd gladly take one and I'm sure Ava feels the same way.

And for anyone curious - I did end up with that fabulous job, a dream job for which I worked ONE day. The commute was an hour drive and on the way home from that first day, I realized I could not leave my babies. It just wasn't time yet. So, I'm back to a SAHM, pinching pennies and keeping the scene calm for the five of us. So far, so good.

I'm thinking of all of you who follow this - know you are in my thoughts so very often. And in those dark moments please know, you are not alone.

4 comments:

  1. Welcome back! First, you are not alone with these feelings. It is hard to separate the rages from how you feel about your child. My husband has admitted that he would love to punch our son (don't worry he never has and never would), but the feelings we struggle with are very real. It is human to feel hate at someone who is destroying everything you cherish, who is physically hurting you (as in my case), and who is hurting your other children. It isn't until your child is stable that you can once again see that this person is your child who you love.

    Congrats on the job, sorry to hear that it didn't work out, but also I celebrate the decision you made. I too am a SAHM, pinching pennies, even though if I went back to work our struggles financially would disappear. But I know for me and my family I am doing what's best for us right now.

    As for the other diagnosis, TDD, we too are keeping an eye on this. I know our doctor is going to use this label for our son since she won't even consider the bipolar dx in the future for kids. But I agree, depression, sadly as it is, sounds like a more brighter future-did I just say that???

    Anyway, glad to see your post!

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  2. Thank you so much! Good to be back!

    I am so glad to hear you have that sort of relationship with your husband too! My hubby and I are able to be completely honest in our feelings and not think the other is a horrible person after what comes out of the others' mouth or goes through the mind! I would swear this is the reason we're able to so 'easily' (heh! for lack of a better term) hold our relationship together while dealing with such a demanding daughter.

    And yep, same thing over here - financial troubles would vanish for us if I went back to work. A wise woman once told my husband - the financial issues will all eventually work themselves out. But these years, these childhood years, you'll never get back.

    Ava's doc refuses to use the official BP dx as well. She's told me before that Ava is not one of the kiddos she sees where she constantly worries about her future. She's told me several times she sees Ava leveling out at some point. I told her I'd be holding her to that!! ;)-

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  3. I just visited for the first time and cried as I read your post. I could have written those words myself. Our family has been dealing with BP for about 3 yrs now. My dd is 11, dx at 8 after trying to jump out of the moving car. She is on a whole cocktail of meds and still we see rages. Current dx is ADHD combined/severe, BP NOS, ODD of Childhood,and Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. My 6 yr old is now in counseling because of all she has witnessed and experienced at the hands of her sister. I am exhausted- I unfortunately have to work FT. If not for the fam med leave act I'd have been fired years ago Im sure. Anyhow, sorry I've rambled. Thank you for your honesty and bravery.

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  4. It's good to see you back. I'm glad things have gotten a little better for you. Please never feel alone when things are tough. We've all been there and totally support you!

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