Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The best that I could

I worry so often about the mother I am to Ava.

Do I favor the my other children?

Do I passively punish her in ways I don't realize for the terror she puts us through?

Do I cut her short of the true emotion and love I could give her? I worry keeping myself open for raw emotion between the two of us is far to dangerous for me.

Do I yell to much?

Do I blame her personally to much?

Do I measure the fine line between mental illness and normal 7 yo behavior as incorrectly as I feel I probably do?

Do I love her, fully, completely, unconditionally the way that I love her siblings despite of her disorder?

I worry so often that I have prepared a speech in my head for the day she comes to me as an adult and wishes to discuss my parenting. That day will come, I know it will. And when I tell her I did the very best that I could, will that be enough?

5 comments:

  1. I have these same thoughts. I also feel torn with thoughts that I don't give enough to the other kids since they don't require so much parenting. I feel a lot of guilt.

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  2. Ditto to Mama Bear. I have such mixed emotions- when I actually allow myself to feel something. I love her, I hate her, I want to protect and hold her. She wont let me though. God help us.

    Jennifer (not trying to be anonymous- just can't figure this thing out!)

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  3. Our little girl, Miss I., came to us at the age of 30 months. That was 16 months and a hundred lifetimes ago. The state wants us to adopt her, but I don't think that I can. I read your posts and I think maybe we are living in a parallel universe. I don't know if I can choose to live this life for the long term and it makes me sad. I feel like a failure. I feel exactly like you explain in your post. If she stays, then what will she say to me when she is older ?!? How do I let her know that I've done the very best I can?

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  4. i think those same exact things all the time. i am constantly assessing my parenting to make sure i don't favor chica over taz. in truth, she is easier. she's more delightful to be around. she's more cuddly. i have a stronger bond with her. there are many reasons for me to favor her. that's why i keep a close eye on it so that i don't. or at least it doesn't appear that way to him. it kills me when he says "nobody likes me" after he gets in trouble. i make sure i say how much i love him everyday, especially bad days. it's hard. so hard.

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  5. Could not have described the anxiety and constant stream of thoughts better myself.

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