So, ironically enough after posting my first post - the very next night marked the first of restraining our 7 yo. Our life as parents with a BP child have peaked. No fun. She kept hitting my poor hubby in the face and so I warned her if she did it again we'd have to restrain her. Welllll, she did it again and so I held her to the ground but before I could get her there, she head-butted me slam into my right cheek. Oww. As I held her she calmed down. Or came down perhaps is a better way to describe it. She cried and cried knowing she'd hurt me. The heartache from this is sometimes unbearable. She sat up and cried, "Mama, I'm so sorry, please tell me you forgive me. I wish I could take it back. I'm so sorry. Why am I such a bad girl. I hurt so bad inside, please take it away." My husband and I held her together, in tears, wishing we could take it all away. She quieted soon after and I tucked her in bed like any other calm and 'normal' 7 yo. I lay with her for a bit as she squeezed me tight, apologizing again and again. Finally she drifted to sleep. I lay there awake and cried silent tears thinking the only peace she ever has is when she sleeps. It's not fair.
And so tonight was night #2 of restraints. We held her until she calmed. We let her go and she sat at the kitchen table yelling at us, "You hate me, you're so mean to me. You probably never even wanted me." At that we had to stop her. We then told the story of how she came to be and how excited we were to be pregnant, to find out she was a girl, to name her, to fold her newborn clothes nightly before she was born, to nurse her, to love her - and slowly she snapped out of it. Brian scooped her up and she rested her head on his shoulder. We told her how much we loved her now, no matter what, no matter what she said or did. We loved her good parts and not so good parts. We never stopped. I hope she heard us. I hope she listened and absorbed it. Brian tucked her in bed and laid with her a bit as usual to be sure she was asleep. And just like that the storm was over. But we know it will all return again tomorrow.