Monday, January 18, 2010

Fucking Horrible

Today's one of those days I cannot be eloquent. Today's one of those days I think I may lose my mind. Ava's raging and irritability are off the charts. There is no school today and so today at home is hell. She refuses to help me to help her. Refuses to use calming techniques. She's screaming and yelling and like a rabid dog. She has her little 1 year old brother in hiccuping sobs with her screaming and swinging. She's following me around the house, for 30 minutes or more, telling me she hates me, how mean I am, how stupid I am. She's swinging at me, batting at me, grabbing my shirt, my jeans. She's sticking her tongue out. She's laughing as I try continously to walk away from her. I lock myself and Jack in my bedroom. She beats the door. Screams horrible things into the door pain. She kicks the door and swears to me she'll never stop. I snap. I sob with her little brother begging her to leave me alone. Leave us alone. I swing open the bedroom door, sobbing. I scream to her to LEAVE US ALONE.

I hate her.

I do.

I hate her with every fiber of my being.

I hate this child I see in front of me.

I have no idea who she is.

I feel betrayed and tricked and abused and hopeless.

I want to snap her in half. Take her by the shoulders and shake sense into her. I feel rage rise in me and have a difficult time controling myself. I want to scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP" at the top of my lungs and throw her in her room. I hate her. I hate my life, hate the mother I am, hate the hypocrite I become during these episodes of hell. I want to combust, jump out of my skin, scream until I am hoarse.

But somehow I don't do these things. What will stop me from doing them the next time? How can I continue to hold it together? In turn, I break down and cry and cry and cry. I ask her to please leave me be and please go to her room. She sobs too. She realizes it went too far now that she sees me crying. She begs for my forgiveness. She cries out how sorry she is for her behavior. She covers her brother's sweaty head with kisses.

A half hour later her brother is still teary. As am I. She's done, she's ready to just move right along. But I cannot.

How do we live like this? How will I survive the years ahead of us? How will SHE?

No one will ever understand what happens in our home behind closed doors. You could never possibly understand that the beautiful young girl in front of you is crazy. Completely crazy. She attacks me, she hates me, she wants to hurt me. Me. I'm her mother. Everything in my being is dedicated to helping her, loving her, protecting her. And she beats me down, everyday, slowly. Until I'm worn thin. And why bother explaining to others? It's impossible to put it all into words, let along complete thoughts. And how would they understand? "You're her MOTHER", they would say. "You should love her no matter what!" And I do but it's far from that simple. I've become a beaten dog. I go back for more love from the little girl who is kind and sweet only to be kicked in the face by the beast that hides inside her. Over and over and over and . . .

What the fuck did I do wrong to deserve this? What the fuck did she do wrong to deserve this?

It's horrible. It's hell. Every day with my bipolar daughter is a trip to hell and back. One trip daily, if we're lucky.

80 comments:

  1. Oh gosh-I feel for you 100%. Is Ava on medication? You might need to hospitalize her to get her meds. regulated. And I do understand how you feel. I have been there too. You did nothing to deserve this nor did your daughter. I would not be able to get through those days without my Lord and Savior. May I be so blunt to ask if you know Him? I believe that He allows horrible things in our life so that we will rely completely on Him. When we love Him He has a plan for us. If you want to know more, please ask. I am not a pushy Christian. I just love Jesus and want to share that with anyone who wants to hear. I am not saying those episodes are any less horrible especially when you are in the middle of them. They are and no one does understand unless they have been there too. I have. Please know that I will pray for you and Ava. I would love to know your name if you would like to share. Hang in there. You do need outside help. If you are not seeking it, please do. I know you read my blog-but we had to remove our daughter from our home. And I think you read Megan's blog-a bipolar daughter and the family who loves her. She has had to hospitalize her daughter every year since she was 7 at least once. I wish I could take it all away for you. I wish I could take it all away for me too and for everyone else who has to deal with this horrible disease. It is cruel. Please let me know if I can do anything to help.

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  2. I am so sorry for you and your family. Sometimes you need to just feel that anger and pain. I know you love your daughter and that is why I know how hard you are trying to do everything you can for her. I think it is also important to take care of yourself too. I don't know if you are looking for advice or asking for help, so first I just want to say that I am sorry for you and understand how impossible it seems sometimes. I also want to let you know that I have lots of resources available through my work with BringChnge2Mind and the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation (CABF). CABF is a great site (www.bpkids.org), I know I have talked about them before but I think they could be a great support for you. They have online support and discussion groups for parents of children with bipolar disorder, and though they require a membership fee now I have heard they are going to change that very soon and make it all free. If you are interested in other resources I can also contact the CABF program manager directly to see if she has any suggestions on how to make your life a little easier. Feel free to email me if you want me to look into this (linea@lineacinda.com). You can also check out the free children and teens discussion group on BringChange2Mind's facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=203408519096&topic=12261). Other then that you are doing such a good job. I know you love her and are doing your best. So stay strong and let me know if you need extra information.

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  3. Amy - thank you so very much for your kind words and support. They mean so much to me. While I appreciate your offer, I'm a very spirital person but I am also agnostic.

    Amy and Linea - I thank you both so much for your concern but we truly have an amazing support system when it comes to dealing with Ava's issues. My husband and I see a couples therapist to help us stay strong and for support with Ava/parenting. I have strong support group of moms that I cherish and who keep me sane! Ava has her own therapist and psychiatrist whom we all love and find amazing. All of those I mentioned are on call at all times for us and offer us support beyond measure through the years.

    My post above was just raw emotion after one of Ava's rages. It was all the things I struggle with inside as a mother that I fear to speak aloud because it IS all so raw. Blogging about it all was so very cathartic. The relief and release of anger and pain I had after writing this was immediate. I couldn't believe how much better I felt.

    Thank both of you again for 'listening' and your empathy. Your support for the worst of our times is priceless.

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    1. Thank you so much for your posts! I've just taken my first full breath, in hours! How wonderful, to read about my dear fellow Parents, "padlocking themselves in their rooms"....while I am padlocked in my room!!!! How wonderful, to share our despair....Seeing others, who live like me, lessens the sting! "Emotions Anonymous" has an on-line site, that might be an additional solution....May the Force be with you....and us all! :)

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    2. I have been going through exactly the same thing for years. Although I have a bipolar son age 25 went off meds 3yrs. Ago has been verbally and 1 time physically abusive. I finally had to kick him out he has no car so I gave him mine he just lost his job and now he homeless. I have slept 1 hour bc I have been upset about the situation . Have I done the right thing.

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    3. TO EVERYONE ON THIS POST....DO WE NOT SEE THE OBVIOUS HERE...WE ARE ALL LIVING THE MOVIE THE "EXORCIST" THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE OUR KIDS HAVE THIS DISORDER AND IT IS THE DEVIL TAKEN THEM OVER AND THEY ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT HIM OFF...IF ANYONE OUT THERE HAS A BETTER ANSWER THEN POST IT OR SEND ME AN EMAIL ....

      roanokebarry@yahoo.com

      Barry and Deb

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  4. You are blessed to have such a support system. I wish we had more. I think because Kenz is not so drastic right now is why we do not have more. We are looking for a better psychiatrist and have an appointment on Feb. 8th. We had a good therapist before Hope Ranch but because we are in limbo about sending her to another school we have not gone back. I did join that site Linea you mentioned above and did find some support but it is far from my home and not very convenient. I should try again. I wish I had a group of moms here that understood. I do have a few friends and family who listen and offer as much support as possible. I also understand the immediate relief of blogging and also understand those strong feelings right after a rage. Hang in there. I so know it is hard.

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  5. OMG - I could have written this post about Dylan. Sobbing. Know there is someone out here who knows what kind of fucking hell you are going through.

    We haven't had one of these days in awhile. Last year at this time, we did. Daily. For Months.
    I thought it would crush me. Crush all of us. I was able to video tape it and the other night I watched it and was like Holy Fuck. That is my child. My child that is acting like a caged wild animal.
    I worry if the meds will hold. Daily.

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    1. What medicine is your child on. my daughter is on abilify and is out of control. I don't know what else to do.

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  6. I just dedicated my most recent post to all the moms and dads that are dealing with constant care of and turmoil with their children. I have a daughter (Linea!) with BP. I send you love and care. Sometimes it is only one minute at a time that you can get through. I am so glad that you have support. Take care of you!

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  7. i've had those days. i've felt those feelings. i applaud you for writing them down. i don't know if i'm brave enough to write out all that, even though i've felt it. i told my mom once that i wish i enjoyed being with "Taz" more. she slammed me. now i'm afraid to say anything negative. but i'm glad to hear in your more recent post things are going better.

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  8. Wow, I feel for you. I have been there. I don't know how we do it.

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  9. I cried when I read this, tried not to sob as it almost could have been me writing this. Ironically also with a beautiful, smart 7 year old named Ava as well that has the ability (and does) turn our lifes upside down in 2 seconds flat. As much as I take some solace in knowing there are others who do understand what we are going through, this is not something you wish on anyone. Some days I don't know how I am supposted to brush it all off and start again. I hope you and Ava are doing better and I look forward to hearing you post again - I am hoping you are able to find the answer and then maybe we can follow.... Stay strong. God knows I need to find the will to do soon a daily basis.

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  10. I'm so glad I found this blog! I could've said the same thing about my 4 yr old son. And when I think about it now, I think "How could I feel those things to this sweet boy?" But when he's in a rage, it's a completely different animal.
    Thank you for sharing!

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  11. I googled "I resent my bipolar child" and your blog came up. Finally I have permission to go ahead and feel the hate, accept the hate, and move on past the hate that comes with each rage. I'd not dare express my true feelings anywhere but here.
    Thank you for allowing me to let go of the guilt. At least for one day and for this moment.

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  12. Aren't days like this awesome! (I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible of course!) I've been sifting through your posts and have found a sort of peace knowing that SOMEONE gets it. Some one has days like me. Some knows what it's like to want to scream and yell and lock yourself in a closet just to get away from all the screaming and yelling.

    But do know, you will get through it. I don't know about your daughter, but I know my son is the sweetest thing when he's not raging or super depressed. (Which is not NEARLY as often as I'd like) But I have to remember that and remember it's not his fault. It keeps me going.

    I hope things are still going better for you!

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  13. This is the first time I've ever heard/read anyone put feelings so close to my own out there for the world to see. My dd is abt to turn 11, she is beautiful, intelligent and brutal. Most days I hate my life. I walk on eggshells. We all do. Just last night she gave her 6 yr old sister a black eye.She is on a whole cocktail of meds that would make most folks heads spin. I will be praying for you- strength to survive and peace beyond all understanding. If you find it please let me know; I haven't yet. It frightens me that I must close myself off emotionally from this child that I love so much, just to survive living with her. Best wishes to you all. Peace... JMK Mom of 3

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  14. My daughter was recently diagnosed with BP and I am the blunt of all her hatred. She is almost 29 years old and has been married for 8 yrs, has 3 beautiful daughters and I am already at my wits end with her. I dont know what to do anymore. She has accused me of things that I have never done and when I confront her about them I am called the liar. She is lierally bankrupting her and her husband. We leant them money a year ago to move here never had a problem in the past with her repaying us, but its never going to be repayed. She lived here 5 months and then spent another 5k to move to California. She tells me she is on a whole slew of meds and I want to believe her. I just dont think she is taking them or getting the counseling that she needs. I am afraid if she keeps her current behaviours up that she is going to loose not only her husband but her daughters. Last month she was arrested for shop lifting and apparently that is my fault. I do not know much about BP and I am getting so frustrated with it. I love my daughter but have had to put her on ignore over the last few days. I am a diabetic that has kidney failure and I really dont need this stress. I really need some help in understanding all of this and why I am the one attacked. Her father was a complete jerk, drunk and abuser. She adores him. Not sure if its because he gives in to her or what. I just dont understand all of this.
    I have read all of your posts and I truely understand what you all are going through I need advice help of any kind I can get. I dont know where to turn.

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    1. My son has put his deceased father on a pedestal even though he abused me and abused drugs. He abandoned his sons after I got out of the relationship. He had my boys taken from me and put in foster care for a week.

      In 2005, my sons' father died a horrific death (he poured gasoline on himself and threatened [his girlfriend at the time] that he would light himself on fire, the spark lit the fumes and himself, he burned himself alive). Kristian, my 20 year old son has always blamed me for every problem he has ever had. He has never taken responsibility for his actions.
      Thanks to his girlfriend, he has now gone to get help and was diagnosed with BD.
      I think our children have taken their anger out on us because we are the closest to them.

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  15. I could have written your post. I am a beaten down dog. My daughter is almost 20 years old and we have been dealing with this since she was 12 years old. I am the object of her hatred. She calls me "fat b@tch". I sometimes think of killing myself to escape her.

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    1. Our children need help. We can't force them to get it. I avoid my son because I simply can not stand to be around him. He puts me down to everyone and anyone who will listen. His favorite mode of venting is Facebook. Imagine the fun in that? I unfriended and blocked my son.
      Don't believe your child's words. They need help. You may need a support group, or at least vent online and get the support there. Today is my first day looking for support and helping others is helping more than finding the help I need.

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    2. My son hates me. He has just been diagnosed ad BP. He is 24 and is convinced that we have abused him emotionally and physically call his life. Reality is he is super spoiled and extremely rude when he doesn't like what he hears or asked to help. He rsges against me and tells me how horrible a Mother I am. Makes me wish I was dead. I don't know how to help him.

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  16. Wow. My 18 year old son was raging so badly, he literally was on his back like a cockaroach, arms and legs flailing. I am such shock from his continued abuse of me-mom and our family. He must be bipolar. I wish I could cry, but I am too shocked by his continued anger, depression and abuse. I worry about his future wife, children and others in his life.

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  17. My son has basically destroyed my family. Living in California, there are no adequate services available to help. The only "service" my wife and I could avail ourselves to entails of weekly family meetings that yield no results. "The team" we interface with could only surmise that it is a problem with my wife so she was told she should leave. BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no availability of an affordable lockdown residential facility as the nearest one is in Reno, NV and costs $13000.00 a month. How long do we have to live getting the shit beat out of us, stolen from, lied to, trust shattered, and yelled at. The fuckin clinicians can't seem to fix him so my wife and I are fucked up. We have been dealing with this since he was diagnosed at age 9 (he is 16 now)and have only had one person be honest with us besides hs psychiatrist. That person is a Fresno Police Officer who told us we were "fucked". I smiled and shook his hand. The only person that eplained to us what the real deal is. Arrghhh!!!!!!

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    1. Why not see if you are able to get him Temporarily Conserved with the county you live in. There must be some services in Reno.. My family is working on conserving our 21 yr. old who is currently in an acute psychiatric hospital. I know it is heartbreaking but maybe it's better for him to be living else where. Also, check and see if there is a NAMI organization in your local area. They could be of great help.

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    2. Dear Anonymous. I experience the same. I have no life of my own anymore. My world is a spiral of depression and hopelessness. There is a facility in SLO County that takes kids from all over California - Grizzly Academy. There are rules and the kids do have to be willing to go. I am hopeful that my daughter's PO will allow her to go because I can't live like this anymore.

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  18. I too am a beaten down dog. I feel that YEARS have been taken off of my life because of the abuse that I have endured from my now 20 yr. old daughter. I am such a mess, I dread when she comes home on school breaks and take anxiety medication to keep me steady. She came home from college to "surprise me for my birthday" and my own husband knew she was coming and kept the secret! Which proves to me that even thru all of our couples counseling.... he has no clue what my child has done to me. (stay at home mom, perfect target, unfaltering love) The "surprise" was literally like pulling my safety net away from my high wire!!! My heart was in my throat and I felt like a cat in water. I felt betrayed by my husband. For six years, I was verbally abused beyond most wildest dreams and her use of language is as cutting, degrading and manipulative as anything I have ever endured in my lifetime. She has threatened to kill me in my sleep, which lead to a pad lock on my bedroom door. I hide things prescious to me so that unreplaceables like photos cannot be destroyed. I too can thank the police, who were spot on to her manipulation of words and scenarios. She has so far been threatened with "day to day allowed to stay" as long as she seeks help. She is being treated for ADD and anxiety.... Drs hope to ease her into understanding she likely has BPD. I love this child of mine with every breath, but I don't want her to be the cause of my last one. She is beautiful, smart, funny, athletic and has a deep loving soul most could only hope to have. But there is a "beast inside of her".... I have seen it, I have seen her try to fight it". It is so painful for all of us. Thank you for sharing your feelings, thank each and every one of you loving parents. It is helpful to know that you are not alone. God Bless.

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    1. Thank you so much for posting. Reading your post was like you had seen right into my own home.

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    2. Thank you also...your post is like a mirror of our daily lives..my daughter too is beautiful smart and with a kind heart but there is a devil inside her...we have lived with for 15 yrs when it comes out she if very nasty and strong... she was reciently diagnosed as bipolar but she has been like this for a long time...the doctors mis-diagnosed her as ADHD they listened to her imagine that listening to the devil and giving her speed...wow what a world we live in ...there are no I repeat no mericle drugs for this desease...I think maybe if we could hold them close for days and days that maybe we could get this evil to pass I dont have the answer but I am willing to try it...god bless you all that live with this may god keep you safe...
      Barry and Deb

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  19. I totally understand as my daughter has bp. She is almost 25 years old. I have suffered a long time as she is still in my home!!! Punches kicks and lots more. On July 22, 09 I was so stressed I had to call police to get her calmed down. As soon as they left she continued again, and dropped a whole bottle of her meds by my precious shih-tzu dog. It was too much and I was rushed to the hospital with a massive brain bleed! I miraculously survived but have blindness and some brain damage. I cannot work anymore and can never drive again. I am also left with seizures!! My husband on numerous times she was taken to the psych ward told me to let them get her housing and get her out so we can live healthier lives as we are both ill and on medicines. The stress has been unbelivable, but getting help is difficult. I have a really good friend as a support system as well as the greatest hubby of 27 years. Since I have been out of the hospital, she stopped meds and thinks she is fine!!! She is not. She wants all of my attention all day long now that I am home, she interrupts calls, tv conversations etc!! If you say to stop it only works for a couple of minutes!! She makes up stories that we know cannot possibly be true since she never leaves the house. She has no friends because of her behavior abd when she gets one she says she hates them and stops the friendship! I am on 30 pills a day and my husband on 10 and yet if she would only take her meds we sould all be healthier including her but she insists she is not bp after many diagosises. At A Huge Loss and afraid of another brain bleed since she never stops. Next time I may not be so lucky!

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  20. My 19 year old daughter is in the midst of her first full-on manic episode in over a year. Her entire life was on track for the first time. She was doing amazingly well. She had a fabulous relationship, was working and traveling and being NORMAL.

    It tricked me. I couldn't believe how wonderful it was. Now she's thrown away the relationship and is living in a van with a drug addicted younger boy and says she is happier than she's ever been in her life. She's smoking pot all day every day, getting in trouble with the police, and thinks it's a wild, fabulous, fun time.

    She's ruined not only her life but has devastated the person who loves her.

    I will not go through this again. She can't come home. I'm done with her. I honestly don't care if she dies in that van.

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  21. I have a 6yrold little boy. He just got diagnosed w/ BP. ADHD. ODD. OCD. He just got out of the Phys hospital & Has been on 20 medications since 2009. NONE of them seam to work. They have never put him on a Mood stabilizer due to him " not having Bipolar " well as of Last week he FINALLY got diagnosed with it. Now he is on Focolin (sp) twice a day. the only thing is it makes him Focus on being diligent to his anger. He has become worse since being on it. he abuses his sister i sleep NEVER i have alarms all over my home, Video camras, He comes after me with knives, pored bleach all over the rooms in house, he's a piromainaic. (sp) God I need help. I cant do this anymore . . . My husband is an EMT and about to go into paramedic school so He is kinda invisable now, until school is over. SO its just me. Im tired of the dr apt that lead to nothing, tired of the countless phone calls to places during the week, tired of using dam google & yellow pages.com ! ! ! Tired of not being able to do anything in my home.

    I need some advice if somebody has been dealing w/ this longer than I have. So if possable Email me SUBJECT LINE : Bipolar Kid

    beaglelover1985@yahoo.com

    thanks. & to everybody reading this Please stay STRONG! we cant give up . . .

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  22. I am the mom of an 18 year old daughter with whom I was very close to up until several months ago. She was diagnosed bipolar and schizoid affective 1 1/2 years ago. Against her dad's wishes, I put her in counseling, DBD group, arranged special help with her teachers (she was a former straight A student who began failing), put her on meds. Now, I am the one she blames everything on and I am devastated. It is as though she swallows me with her hatred and spits me out in pieces. She is not physically mean, but she tells me she cannot wait until she never has to see me again, refuses to allow me to touch her, and will not let me speak to her. She has repeatedly made poor decisions with friends, boyfriends, school and I worry about her every minute of every day. She says her friends are the ones who care, and I think "yes, they do not have to deal with all the issues everyday, and soon they will be graduating and leaving for college- so they do not have to worry about your future." I am worried she will become a statistic. After reading some of these other posts, I am grateful she is not physically abusive as well. To those that are dealing with this pain, I truly empathize.

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    1. Our daughter has the same symptoms ...She was an A student till she was 16 when she hit her head hard in an auto accident...she was then mis-diagnosed as ADHD and Aderall and Seraquill for many years..she has no selfestem...hangs with bad people..stays in her room ..up all night...sleeps all day...she now 30 yo does not work wasting her life...knows all the answers...hollers screams ...what a life we live...why did god do this to us...

      Barry and Deb

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  23. As a mother, My heart goes out to all of you.

    I was once that bipolar child. I still am. Like Ava, like many of your children, I would fly into uncontrollable, violent rages. My mother is a saint for having dealt with this for twenty years.

    There is hope for your kids and yourselves. One day, about five years ago, when I was 24, I woke up, exhausted and depressed, with only a fuzzy, fleeting recollection of the manic episode I'd recently crashed from. I was clear-headed for the first time in years. In that moment of clarity, I realized: I'm done. I give up. I am tired of riding this roller-coaster. Stop the madness, I want to get off.

    From that moment on, it has been literally a day to day effort for me to be a decent, stable human being. I faithfully take my medication. I don't drink (it triggers rages for me), I keep a mood chart. Even when I'm having one of those days where I disconnect from everyone and feel generally apathetic, I actually MAKE myself be kind to someone.

    You know the old saying, "Fake it til' you make it?" It worked for me. Having been crazy and isolated for so many years, I virtually had no conscience, aside from that one unusual twinge during my moment of clarity. I had no idea how to emotionally connect with another human being-- so I faked it. Eventually, the ability and urge to comfort, nurture, and love someone came back.

    I'm not going to lie, my life is not sunshine and roses. Sometimes, I still flip out, but I can tell when I'm gearing up for one, so I can warn my husband accordingly. (He's so used to them now, he just takes the kids to my mother's house for an hour or two, long enough for me to either blow up or calm down.) Sometimes, the handful of pills I have to take in order to function makes my hair fall out, or causes my blood pressure to drop. Maybe I'll walk into a few walls on my way to the coffee pot. It's imperfect, but I'm coping, and taking control of my disorder rather than allowing my disorder to control me.

    I am now a mother, and my children are growing and thriving, and I thank God every day for helping me get to this point, that I have the profound privilege of being the mother of these amazing little creatures. They are my motivation to keep my sanity.

    As for my relationship with my mother? We are very, very close now, and it took us a long time to get here. I adore her.

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. Much love and luck to you all.

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    1. Me too! It is so difficult sometimes and I sometimes wish that I would just die. I have a BP fourteen year old daughter and her mood swings are so difficult to bear. It has just changed the climate of our home, and I am afraid for her younger sister to invite a friend over because we just do not know when her moods will swing. It breaks my heart when my BP daughter yells out to "just make this stop and I want to do all of the things that other normal kids do." She is on meds, but the med roller coaster can be a ride in itself, with side effects, etc. I hate BP disorder and all of the suffering that it causes! On the positive side, my daughter is a gifted writer and often times I remind myself of all of the talented people who suffer with this. I feel that her writings touch a depth that is very clearly beyond anything that I could do! She is an amazing writer!

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    2. Amazing that your experience you describe in the words..wake up ...I pray that my daughter one day will do just that...may god bless you and your children and keep you strong ...thanks for posting on this site ....it gives me hope...

      Barry and Deb

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  24. i must say that i came here because my husband's 16 year old son is bipolar. recently diagnosed after we got married. his son and i used to have a good relationship and now he hates me. he rages, sends me the most terrible text messages...and i don't like him. i hate to say it but i need to say it somewhere. i do not like this kid. his mother...she doesn't believe he is bipoloar even though he had to be hospitalized in a total manic state. now she's enabled him to the point of ...he hate me and my husband, his dad, who would do anything for him. his wife still harbors anger for him getting remarried and all of their son's rage is a total repeat of all the crazy stuff she says. it's as if she's talking through him. he doesn't come around any more, and just abuses us when he does speak. i really really really dislike this kid, and i know that's not right. his mother is a total disappointment, the kind of woman who walks around like she's pro-woman but really is just a miserable bitch--and i do not say that lightly and i don't "automatically" blame the ex. she is just hateful. it's just horrible.

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  25. My 25 y.o. daughter has just been diagnosed with bp disorder. All of your posts could have been written by me. I have been so beaten down by her for so many years. I do and do and do for this girl and she hates me such intensity it's frightening.
    In the past she has been diagnosed with ADD, depression, alcoholism, and told she was basically a spoiled brat.
    She came to spend a few days with me that were hell. She is on stress leave for depression. She planned to break her lease last month and move into a apartment I own(downstairs from where I live). She really came here to tell me how much she hates me and what a piece of crap I am. Well she flipped and my boyfriend would not let her hit me. So she went and was cutting her arms. Not enough to really hurt her she is way too narcissistic to truly hurt herself. My boyfriend called 911 and she was taken to the hospital. My other renters were mortified by the screaming, cops, and ambulance being here. Another thing she lives for is too embarrass me. Anyway they only kept her for 2 days in the hospital and she was diagnosed with bipolar.
    I want to help her but I can not handle her intense hate of me. I also don't think she should move downstairs... I'm scared to death of her. If she moves downstairs she at least has to wait until other renters move out. Nobody can handle her screaming .
    She wants my soul. She wants every cent I have, to embarrass me, destroy all my relationships , ruin me , and in the end she's going to kill me. Sometimes I wish I'd die to escape her.

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  26. So sad to see so many trying to make sense of it all. I just got back from a visit to my daughter fully expecting to pay off bills, spend some nice time with her and bring her back to where I live for a weeks sunshine food and rest. She was diagnosed about 8 years ago, but I think she had bipolar disorder from a very early age. She has nearly always been angry and violent towards me, though when younger it was possible to comfort each other after a bad session.
    She is nearly alone, though she has a boyfriend who is a kind of mad survivalist, ranting on about the various conspiracies he is convinced of. They look after each other to some extent. She demands money although I give her a small amount every month to add to her disability benefit . I feel that whatever I do it is never enough, and experience tells me she can't handle large sums of money(which I have given her in the past or she has had from other family members.
    I think that apart from the constant blame, the worse thing is the inability to try life enhancing activities, as she rejects everything I offer. It feels as though she is stamping on my heart.....She is 35 and I don't know how long I can continue to try to relate to her. Lately the pair have become obsessed by the fear that something really bad is going to happen, and they will need to break into an uncles house. He talks about taking people out...which makes me worry ..the only thing is that they never do anything or go anywhere, so probably won't in fact do anything. She refuses to take any medication, as she thinks the cause is sexual abuse , which has never been mentioned before, but blames me for not knowing. The visit ended with her refusing to see me again or return with me as planned (actually a great relief) the only thing that has saved me at all is my many good loving friends who tolerate my tears and pain.
    It does help to know I am not the only mother dealing with this, thank you for your stories, look after yourselves.

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  27. I stumbled across this blog tonight while I was hiding out in my room. I have a 12 y/o daughter that was diagnosed BP last year. She's been hospitalized 3 times in the past year and I'm at my wits end. I have thoughts and feelings that I would never verbalize to anyone because I feel like a horrible person for having them. I am a single parent and I just don't have the energy to do this anymore. I hate being a mother and at time I hate my daughter. She's entering her teen years and I just don't know if we'll make it. She can't accept blame for any of her actions and goes about her life like she's a princess and it's my job to be at her beck and call. She screams and yells about nothing at all and purposely tries to make me angry. I have thought about getting in my car and never coming back. I've also wondered how much easier my life would be if she'd just kill herself like she's threatened so many times before; I could mourn and move on as opposed to mourning for what should be everyday of my life. I worry what her future holds and I worry that I may never have my life back. It helps a little to know there are other people out there enduring the same hell I am. Something's gotta give.

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  28. hi I do not have bipolar child but I am a mother. My younger son has different broblems but he is far from being a problematic child. My older son acts up alot. Even though I do not have a bipolar child I can feel your pain and hope god will help you all. There should be better support programs parents wont live forever what will happen to those kids when their parents are gone. Have you tried any natural remedies like fish oil it feeds the brain. You know what it does not matter whether you are agnostic or not it wont hurt to pray there is nowhere else to go right.

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  29. I feel for all of you. I know where you're coming from. I have a 32 year old Bipolar daughter, who had a child when she was 16. She swore she was ready to have and care for a child way back when, but after the child was born, she changed her mind. So I raised the child, hoping that in doing so, she would have a chance to get her life together, and my granddaughter would also have a decent home to grow up in. Years later, I offered her back her child and she said it would be "inconvenient." Now, the child is fifteen. And after all these years, I'M the bad one for railroading her into giving up her child! Now I'M the bad one...the "mommy dearest" type, according to my daughter. she flings accusations into my face, calling me everything from a drama queen and manipulator, to who knows what. Always, she insults me, and nothing I say or do is right. I'm crap in her eyes. I'm at the point where I'm ready to just forget I have an adult daughter, and just move forward, because every time I communicate with her, she does nothing but fling insults into my face. I'm crap, and a loser, she seems to think. Oh, and let's not forget selfish. Yep. I'M selfish...when I was the one who gave up my freedom to raise HER child. Now I'm pushing 60, and frankly, I'm just getting too old for this shit. We could give our very souls and still not get a thanks for what we do or try to do. All we get is insults about what crap we are. God help us all. It is HORRIBLE.

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    1. Everything you say is just like a day in my life...my daughter is 30 now she has had this disorder about 15yrs.. thank god no kids ..she can not take care of a hamster..
      She is always right...she is the authority on everything...she is an expert on everything oh by the way she has no job..she wouldnt make it a month with out us...but we are the idiots...we are stupid..I want to walk I mean run away so bad but I keep hoping one day she will wake up..I don't think it will ever happen why is there not a drug to wake these kids up to reality .....god bless you I wish you well my friend Barry and Deb

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  30. Until my son was 14 he was a normal kid doing ok at school, with friends and playing sport.He is now 17 and hasnt spoken to me for three years other than to say 'shut the fuck up'. He seethes with anger at all times. Other than that he is now is silent. He leaves the room when I enter it, refuses to have eye contact and says he wants to smash my face in, and punches me if I speak to him. I have been sleeping with my door locked for a year. In a rage a few months ago while i was out, he smashed up my bedroom and cut a bunch of electrical cords - my ipod, my hairdryer, the telephone, the laces in my runners.Ripped down my bedroom curtains. Before this in a rage he smashed my cell phone by throwing it onto the road, and cut up my credit cards with scissors, the phone cords and shoe laces (again). He is a loner. He dropped out of school a year ago, saying he cant cope with the people. He enrolled in adult education but failed as he was convinced he could only leave the house twice a week, and then refused to speak to his teacher or tutor while he was there. When he did go out twice a week, he did catch the bus, but he walked on the footpath oddly, right up against the fences, with one foot slowly being placed exactly in front of the other, with his hands holding his thighs. Six months ago he just got up from his bed at 7pm and walked out the door without speaking, so was declared missing - i though he was dead. he was found on the streets two weeks later. The police found he had decided to 'leave home' by sleeping in parks. He refuses assistance from homeless shelters or street services. He managed to get one welfare payment but hasnt organised to get more. He refused to come home (actually refused to speak to me) but started coming home twice a week to shower while i am at work. He has all this things at home but last week left faeces on my own bath towel, and dirty ear buds on the floor like hes in a dream. He doesnt appear to be on drugs? He is a completely 'alone person.' He doesnt steal anything when he comes home, just eats some cereal. He is very thin now. The couple of times i have crossed paths with him in the house I can see that he washes the clothes he was standing up in, sits in a towel to wait for them to tumble dry and then puts exactly the same clothes back on again. Two weeks ago i found him home and tried to speak to him so he punched me again. He refuses to speak to his little brother, its like he doesnt exist.He agreed once to visit a psychiatrist who thinks he has prodrome for schizophrenia. he agreed once to see a psychologist who thinks he has aspergers, he agreed once to see a clinical social worker who thought he had a personality disorder. . Hey - at least he didnt go to an orthopaedic surgeon or they might have cut off a leg...All i really know is he is lonely, sad, angry, and for no reason started living on the street at 16 and a half. The mental health service refuse to detain him for treatment, as even if its prodrome there is no current evidence based treatment.
    I think i still love him because I am so sad, but I find myself wishing he would hurry up and take his own life so I can get on with mine. Today I have decided I will change the locks as think I want to force a health crisis for him so he gets assistance, but I also wish he was out of my life.

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  31. Glad I came upon this blog. My 19 yr old daughter has been diagnosed BP and Borderline. She had a job interview today and didn't make it and it was my fault. I am immobile from foot surgery and was laying on the couch inding my own business. She came flying in saying she hated me, it was all my fault. Then she started throwing thing, moving furniture and screaming every curse word known to man. She has been unstable since she was little. No coping skills. Her Dad is also bipolar so I had to file for divorce cause I can't deal with 2 of them. He likes that he has that in common with her. SERIOUSLY???? After she had her fit tonite i thought it was over when she came running up to me saying she hated me and spit in my face. I too can't take it for much longer. I have trouble moving away because she attempted suicide 3 times in 2011. For you parents that have underage children and can't deal with it or need more help best place to take them is Utah. That state has tons of residentual homes that deal with these issues. Best thing we ever did.
    Thanks for letting me vent and I wish the best to anyone dealing with this. Only we understand. Like my niece says "why do you let her talk to you like that"? She will never understand,

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  32. Im a bipolar child and i told my mom hurtfull things but it is out of pure anger i dont think she rlly hates you its in bipolor and anger try geting
    a squishy memory foam stress type thing or a kawaii squishy to toss or something might help

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  33. Oh dear friends...my kindred parents! It hurts and hurts and hurts......Thank you for sharing with me.....My son is "bi-polar", but since onset at 6 years (after a horrific barrage of traumas to our family, including the death of my husband, his daddy) he has been labeled as....hmmm.....every frickin' letter in the alphabet" SEID, ODD, ADD, ADHD....Yadda...yadda....yadda........the "professionals" institutionalized him for a total of 3 full years, and countless trips to hospitols, and ERs....they had him on 14 PILLS PER DAY (THIS, I believe is truly CRIMINAL behavior, on the part of these "Dr.s"...Especially since Smith-Glaxco has been sued for giving kickbacks to Dr.s, for PUSHING THEIR PRODUCT) These vile evil bastards, were OD ing my little boy DAILY, and they should ALL be SHOT! The most DANGEROUS drug pushers today, all wear white coats! These drugs caused the most bizarre behaviors and terror attacks! (Please...PLEASE watch "The RX Generation" on Youtube, for the Truth about the pharmaceuticals!!!!)....OH....and PLEASE KNOW......NAMI is NOT a grass roots organization......NAMI IS funded by several big pharma-corps...so beware! My son is now 21, and OMG....my dear Parents....I so understand the "LIVING IN HELL"!!!!! I feel like god MUST be punishing me, and at times, am sooooo bitter! I see other parents ( who have the luxury of judging me/us)...who say to their kid, " Honey...o.k. now do this...." Kid, "O.K. Mom"............and "Honey please do NOT do that." Kid, "O.K. Mom"....Can you IMAGINE??????????? LOL!!!! WIMPS! They would not survive, on our lives, for 3 little days! I understand the clueless observers (or the extended family members, who for 15, of his 21 years,,,, have never seen him.....EVER.....due to his chronic mental illness.....and I despise THEM as well....for rejecting us!) Their insanely ignorant....oooooo......sorry...but FUCKING FUCKING ignorant, "Well....you must have just spoiled him." (OOOOOO...Hold ME back)....or why dont you DO something??????? Only another parent knows the absurdity of those remarks! At 17, my son got HIMSELF ...OFF the meds, and began to do better......he is NOT functional.......he destroys me.....DESTROYS what is left of me.........but I cant NOT love him! And after this long nightmare, it is easy for me to not see clearly, the real strides...he has made! He HAS done things, I could NEVER have imagined possible 7 or 8 years ago! He has lots of friends....who seem to help him manage his out of control times...and these kids , do seem to love him...He did graduate from High School.......He just tonight, hugged me, and apologized to me (before launching upon another rant lol)....IT IS NOT FAIR FOR US, MY CO-SUFFERERS!!!! But it sometimes helps me to remember, that as much as I despise how he acts....He does NOT want to be the way he is......Yes....I hate my life!!!! Yes...my heart has been broken, stomped, shattered, shredded.........Yes...he has ripped off my head 1000 times, AND spit in the stump (HA)....Yes....it seems to be his personal mission, to destroy me, and always ALWAYS make me look bad, and feel worse! But, our sick children, require such Herculian efforts...that maybe, just maybe, though the world will never honor and admire us (and certainly NEVER our children), for the wonderful parents and people we are......maybe .....just maybe...we can find a way to honor and admire OURSELVES! My son has devoured, most of my life away....but....there are WORSE things, you can give your life to...than a sick child! Angels bless you all and thanks so much for sharing!

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  34. YOU HAVE JUST DESCRIBED MY LIFE. I WISH I COULD TALK WITH YOU.

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  35. BY THE WAY I ADOPTED 3 BOYS. TWO TURNED OUT TO BE BI-POLAR AND THE OTHER ANTI-SOCIAL. THE YOUNGEST IS 11 AND A NIGHTMARE. I LOST 2 MARRIAGES DUE TO THIS STRESS...IT FEELS LIKE HELL ON EARTH...

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  36. When I read this I began bawling uncontrollably. You just described me, my oldest daughter's outbursts, and the affect this has on my youngest daughter from her older sister's outbursts. And the sheer helpless feelings I have with this child.

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  37. It's been 3 years since the original post..... PLEASE someone tell me it gets better!!!!!!!! I don't know how much longer I can do this and he's only 7.

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    1. No new posts or updates. My 18 yr old daughter was diagnosed bp 2 a few months ago. She has been going to a wonderful therapist in Reno. Wish I had a support group here.... I think I need therapy more than she does. Ugh... I can hear and feel each one of you that have posted...we are all in the same boat

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  38. It doesn't get better. I check this site once in a while for reassurance and the knowledge that others are dealing with the same things I am (I commented roughly a year ago). Despite weekly therapy and med changes, things are worse now than they were before. I hate my life and I hate my child. Today, while I filled out a police report against my 13 y/o for lewd behavior, I realized I truly want to run away from all of this and never come back. My life sucks and I'm embarrassed by my child, her illness and her lack of common sense and self control. And I feel like there's no where to turn for help. I want to throw my hand up in concession.

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  39. It helps so much to hear that there are so many other people who have suffered at the hands of a bipolar family member (me, the Dad I adored so much), and hate to add that yes, it is genetic. I now am trying to deal with my lovely daughter, so sweet and pure (23 years old), starting to act exactly in the same manner as the father I thought I had finally escaped from. The words of hate and derision that spew forth from the mouth of the child that loved me so much. My support to you all. This time though I am putting myself and my husband first. We loved our daughter, and always will. But she will not be allowed to treat us as her personal punching bags. I am currently gearing up my strength to turn her out of the house. We got her through college, she is very bright, but she would rather we pay for her bills and live at home, although she "hates living with us so much". Well, she will be out of here pronto, and we will finally have some peace. Whether we can ever get back to the way we were, I don't know. Like my father, she claims she does not have a problem. She is not on medication, but she has a boyfriend who drinks a lot, so I guess that's her form of medication.
    I dread the next showdown (actually I think she enjoys them), but if she can afford concerts and vacations and booze, she can afford her own apartment. Needless to say, she will rip my head off. But I cannot go through this agony again. My father was horrible, and then in an instant so agreeable and yes, expansive. I love you, I love you not. I can't do it anymore.

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  40. Another outburst today. My daughter is tearing this family apart. I want her to go, my husband says no. She is 19 yrs old. Had an abortion in Sept, and 2 weeks later she got pregnant again. She is now 8 mos pregnant, and I dread her bringing this baby into our home. She won't drive. I am having to alter MY life and ferry her around. No more. My first grandchild and I am dreading it! Monday I am going to make good on my promise and file for divorce. He can have her. Just leave and take her with you. My other children need peace in their own home.

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  41. Though my logic tells me that it's the illness that makes her say the things she does and hate me so. We used to be so close, it's hard to hear the hateful things that are said. It's hard to feel so isolated in pain. It's hard to not allow it to break me down.

    Reading all of your comments helped to confirm for me that yes, indeed, it is the illness and she doesn't hate me and I'm not a bad mom.

    Thank you for giving me your words to read at a time when I was feeling a bit hopeless.

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  42. I have a 22 yo and a 16 yo, both diagnosed as bi-polar. I'm a single mom and am counting my days until the youngest turns 18, and I am out the door. I can't live with the yelling, screaming, breaking things, the police here constantly, and worse, the oldest pulling knives on the younger one and having my life threatened constantly. I'm so tired and my health is being affected, not sure if I can last 2 more years. I'm thankful I stumbled across this site, it's comforting to know I am not alone in these feelings and experiences.

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    1. Everything you mentioned we have experienced..I don't know where you find the strength with two children with this disorder I don't know if I could be so strong..our daughter is 30yo she reciently pulled out one of our knives...held it out at us and then stabbed herself after trashing our kitchen and breaking a plate over her head...I don't understand what is going on.. this is not found in anyone in my wifes or my family yet our daughter has this disorder...may god bless you good luck
      Barry and Deb

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  43. My daughter is 43 and recently I flew to SF to see her and my 21 year old grandson. She talked non-stop, she insisted I change my will so she would get "her" money, she criticized my upbringing of her which did include 3 psychitrists, 2 counselors, 4 treatment centers and family counseling. She self-medicates with pot and makes up stories from the past which are not true. I tried listening to her horrid stories and did not say a word. I felt it was better that way. The last day she lit into me verbally and yelled and said I was an unfit mother and I loved her two brothers and never loved her. She actually took up 75% of our time due to her continual issues. The boys are fine, married, productive, etc. She complains to me about them and I tell her to take up her issues with them. I feel I cannot ever see her again. For a week I have cried, had panic attacks, chest pain and a headache. I feel she is driving me to an early death.

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    1. My daughter is 30 and exactly the same..she has had bipolar disorder for 15ys now she fools the doctors into perscribing adderal ..syraquill...and other drugs that dont do any good for her disorder...she was reciently hospitalized and they diagnosed her bipolar...she has cost us over a million dollars in the last few yrs in medical bills..she makes up stories so we will feel sorry for her..she thinks pot is the greatest thing since air..she talks so loud neighbors hear everything...she knows everything...she never shuts up ....I can't continue this way ...I wanted to retire and enjoy life instead we are stuck supporting her...who is there to help us??? god bless you..Barry and Deb

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  44. I wish I had gotten an abortion. This is no way to live and it seems so hopeless. I have even considered leaving the country just to get away from this shit. I think that people with this disorder should be hospitalized and stabilized and monitored by a state facility for the rest of thier lives. However, our Government will not allows us to use our own tax dollars toward treatment of our children but a person who has never worked in the country and land on this soil and suck up all the resources for thier kid. I work everyday and pay a large some of taxes and I can't get the help my child needs.

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    1. I totally agree with you this is no way to live... I don't know if my daughter will be mr jekell or mr hide....she stays up all nite sleeps all day she is 30 yrs old and has no future...something has to happen to change this...I feel so helpless....we deserve better and so do our children...

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  45. A Tad bit Crazy

    For all of us that live with someone with bipolar disorder it is still alarming to me just how many have this disorder....what is causing this? My daughter has had this disorder for 15 years now only reciently has she accepted that she is bipolar the meds that she takes are only temp. fixes they cause other physical problems ....my wife and I support her she would not last a month without our support...one day I pray that she will wake up and be the daughter I used to know but I fear this will never happen..how do we get our lives back?? if you have any answers please post them ...

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  46. My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is wiseindividualspell@gmail.com so I had to contact him and explain my problem to him and in just 3days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to. I cant thank the spell caster enough for what he did for me, i am so grateful and i will never stop to publish his name on the internet for the good work he has done for me,once again his email is wiseindividualspell@gmail.com Dr:Zack Balo you are the best

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  47. Amy, thank you so much for your blog. I just had to leave my oldest son at his football practice and have another parent bring him home because my youngest, that is bipolar, physically attacked me on the sidelines. I did everything I could think of to calm him (except give in to his demands) and finally the other parents told me to leave with him. Not only does it hurt for this child of mine to physically assault me but it is embarrassing as can be. I have sat crying wondering what to do. I happened upon this post and can't tell you how much it helped me to know that other parents have the same feelings I do. The diagnosis is fairly new to us-only a few months. I feel like his teacher, my friends and even my church doesn't understand what I am going through. Some days I cry because I just don't want to be the mom anymore. I feel so guilty saying that but it's true.

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  48. i want to thank dr.Trust for what he has done for me.i am happily married for 14year before my husband ran away with a younger woman called racheal.i have to provide for my children which was not easy being a single mother because i love my husband and i tried all my best to get him back but all failed.i have to tell my best friend about my situation who directed me to dr. dele caster. who solved my problem for me within 7hrs.If you have any problems about your relationship i advise you to contact him.he is the only solution to your problems.(delespellhome@yahoo.com)

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  49. My name is RICHARD from USA, i am giving this testimony because i got my ex wife back with the powerful spell of DR SAM, it all happen five years ago when my wife left me without no reason, i was so confuse because i love her so much, and there is nothing i can do without her, i though of taking my live because so was the only joy of my life. i love her so much. one day i saw an old friend of my, he ask me about my wife and i told him every thing that happen, he told me not to worry that there is a solution to every problem in life. he took me to a great DR called DR SAM, he told me that she will come back after casting the spell for me, i thought it was a joke, two days later i saw my wife in my house begging for forgiveness, who am i not to forgive her, today we are the most cooperate couple in town, you can also contact him with this email address. drsamcurehome@gmail.com

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  50. HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!

    Thank you for your article! It touches my heart deeply because I have recently went through something similar case .About 3 years ago my husband left me and 2 of our kids for 3years to another woman. During this years of our separation I was so broken, so I finally went to a friend of mine who directed me to a spell caster Dr. Akim who helps me in reuniting my family and then i felt peace and felt whole love again. After the casting of the love spell, My Ex-husband offered me a job, to work at his His company. so I obeyed and went. After working together in 1 week we had come closer & starting dating and hanging out as a family with the kids again, Dr. Akim has restored our marriage in a way I have NEVER expected, but I'm truly Thankful!

    Contact Dr. Akim today on: bestspellhome@gmail.com
    Tel:+2348159645271
    Best Regards

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  51. Hi, I know this post is from a while back but I'm having the same problems! My daughter is 13. She is nasty to me,her stepfather, and just plain ignores her 2 yr old sister like she just isn't a person in my house. I'm scared everyday of which mood she will be in and who Its going to be pinned against . she is writing crazy stuff in her journal . like thinking she is famous and everyone wants to be her, pornographic stories, it's just insane . she is on meds and she is a cutter as well. She leaves her razor blades all over as if she wants someone to get hurt! Finally she blamed my husband for the razors. Saying she got them from him. There is no possible way!! Her real father is Bipolor but refuses to get help. So I have both of them acting the same way. I can't do it anymore. I'm scared She will accuse my husband of sexual things. I'm scared my baby will get hurt with one of her razors. So I sent her to het fathers to stay. I can't have her in my house anymore. I'm feeling guilty . having read your posts and all of you are there dealing with your children in these hellish moment's. I'm scared I'm gonna beat her and just lose it on her . Her father isn't married and doesn't have any other children. He is capable of giving my daughter the exterm attention she demands. She screams at me that she wants to be with him. So I let her go. I hate her so much that I never want to see her again. From about 4 years old She has been difficult. My whole life revolves around her and her needing so much all the time. I am her mother and I know that she needs me but she goes to far . she ruined my birthday , my wedding, her sisters birthday, it never stops. My lil baby knows that I'm upset and she has been so unsure about what's going on with me that she has become very clingie . which she is never like that. She is very confident and happy. I can't handle her abuse anymore . I having a lot of guilt !!!

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  52. Hello everyone i am so happy today sharing this great and wonderful testimony, about how i was cured from Bipolar with a man called dr.aikobaya the powerful man that cured me with his spiritual herbal cure in just 48 hours, i almost loose my husband because of this illness, i also want to use this opportunity to thank my mum for been there with me although and for introducing this great man into my life, i am totally free and so much happy living a normal life. friends out there give him a try and i so much believe he is also going to put an end to your situation his contact aikobaya24hourslovespell@hotmail.com or +2349032730545

    ReplyDelete

  53. Hello!! I?m indeed very happy for the great help that dr.alayeoni rendered to me, I was a herpes patient my husband also was a herpes patient, we saw a blog whereby dr.alayeoni cured herpes, we (Me and My Husband) decided to contact him which we did, he asked us to buy some items, unfailingly we sent him the money he will need in buying the items required, He casted the spell and asked us to go for check-up after three days of casting the spell, Luckily for us we were tested herpes negative, now I believe all these Testimonies about him on the internet, he is truly a great man,recently i heard that he can also cure hiv aids and can as well get your ex back. you can contact the great Herbalist and a spell caster on dr.alayeoni@hotmail.com




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  54. 25 year old bp daughter has practiced her story of our "abuse" and favor for her brother for > 15 years. I've had a string of people asking me to defend myself through these years, but generally they figure it out.
    Now her children have been removed from her care (through no cause of her decisions of course) She actively sabotaged our court case with the state cps system to get her children in our care "because she was mad". There is no recourse to that. We've been to senators, Govenor and lawyers
    Although I adore these grandchildren, I can't be their safety net. And there's nothing I can do about it.
    I have to let go. My heart is broken. She won't have access to this family again.
    I can relate to the person ready to move to another country. I've actually applied for jobs in other countries. Is there solace there? I don't know but every corner I turn won't beat the hell out of me with a memory.
    I'm working up the courage to disassemble the kids room, maybe catharsis is there.

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  55. I've done those exact things, said some of those exact words, and felt very similar. I've locked myself in my room and begged to be left alone. It's horrible. My daughter also is bipolar and has been dx'd Adhd and ODD as well. And I also know what that kick in the face feels like and feeling like your child isn't there anymore. Trying to explain to people, no one gets it, and they couldn't. I just about could have written this verbatim though. Thanks for sharing and best wishes to you and your kids.

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  56. esquared, i feel you, what you wrote above is our house. im just sitting here crying, im sorry for all of us parents who have to miss out on "normal" life experiences, like going to park, family get together s, the freaking store for food, clothes, siblings get to have friends sleep over or just come over to hang out ect.... i too am the hated one, i too am the abused one. this young lady, on her good days is amazing, wonderful and caring shes worked real hard at being the remarkable student she is, then on a dime this beast comes out, someone could just walk by and it's all over. she is 18 for the first time, yesterday i left her in the parking lot of a shopping complex 35 min from our house. she threw all her clothes out because they were not good anymore and needed clothes for college. she graduated high school and the drs told us that she would never make it in college. well she has been accepted to several colleges and tomorrow is orientation for the one she chose- we have a big disagreement over a boy (in jail/rehab) she is not going to college orientation- she is going to travel 3 hours to go see this boy, we have finally had it. her father says let her make her own mistakes, but her own mistakes could cost her life/future. i have no one to talk to, her counselor that she had in school told me don't worry , soon shes 18 and you dont have to do anything. if it could be that easy. i have accepted that i am the hated one, but i can't accept her doing things to intentionally cause harm to herself, unfortunately i know deep down i'm going to have to watch it happen and help pick up the pieces afterwards. she started having issues at 9 yrs old, been to hospital 4X, all kinds of meds, therapy, acupuncture, chiropractor, diet changes, vitamins, sunlamps, every thing we could think of. we have all endured the side effects of meds, the refusal to go to school, the anger/rage, the far away look when the delusions are happening, hours/days of her locked in her room, the sadness/misery, the chatter about nothing going a thousand miles an hour, the investigations from CPS about our abuse, the lies she has told about her family to anyone that will listen, trying to kill us while in car, the damage done to her siblings. i have no friends there are only so many times you can cancel before the offers stop coming, it's easier for me to not have to try an explain why. The fear I have is real, I have a daughter that is there some of the time and I do cherish those moments when she is Sam. It just sucks so very much to know that it's just a blink away before the beast comes out. to all the parents/spouses/siblings of the mentally ill, we are their support and advocates, it hurts to watch and go through the episodes with our loved ones, i guess i haven't been beat enough, i still hold on to hope

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  57. It's so very sad for everyone and to tell you the truth it only gets worse. My beautiful little boy grew up to be a 42 year old man that now threatens to murder me. This is in Gods hands

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  59. I feel.. all of this pain .. My 21 year old BP daughter who was hospitalized at 12 (I knew things weren't ok way before that) and raising 2 other daughters after hubby left me long before all hell broke lose .. Now- she "lives" anywhere she can with her loser boyfriend (who should God forbid work). I despise him, as he has physically & mentally hurt her. What I put up with till she was 12, ACS got involved - and she was placed in a residential facility (not far enough away, as she came home weekends, holiday breaks - for me trying to work as a single mom, no emotional support from her Dad.. so many horrible things happened throughout the years , I am scarred. No support from anyone.. still living in a nightmare as she's out on the streets and I just Western Unioned her money (which I swore I wouldn't do until at least she was back in counseling). I want to run away .. as my life (even though I have 2 daughters slightly older than her , my baby...). Still the same except she's not technically living with me. So they live with you, you're in constant fear (I used to padlock my bedroom door and hide the knives in my locked file cabinet). Or they live in the streets (I honestly don't want to know her whereabouts at times), that makes you ill as well. I've tried to talk to her a million times as she's bright and can be great at times. I've GOT TO STOP giving her $$, her SSI is on appeal, but without counseling or meds (which she was on for years, now smokes her way into euphoria- which I'm probably paying for ..) I work a lot and far from wealthy .. was never able to meet and date because of her, as she was the center of my universe. I'm just venting, feel like not being here much anymore .. this is not living. God help us All ..

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